Monday, October 18, 2010

Have you ever had a dream that you couldn't easily shake? One that rocked you to your very core. You wake up feeling like it was real, so very real. I mean your aware of the fiction of it, but really your emotions are now spaghetti, it becomes this messy pile. Wether it be of pain, sorrow, grief, worry, joy, love or sheer bliss you can't move from the thought.

This morning was that way for me. As I drifted out of my amazing sleep I had an intense dream. In this dream I was getting ready for my wedding. I was full of nerves. I was bouncing off the walls as the auditorium filled with my guests. I could not wait to walk down that isle and see my man's face. I couldn't wait to be his wife. I was overflowing with love and excitement. And boy did I look good. I had lost the weight I wanted to lose and I was killer in my strapless white gown. (which sort of surprised me a bit, since I've never really thought of myself in a strapless gown...but it was a dream so it's okay....anyways...). But as my dad started walking me down the isle something was missing...something very important. My husband. He didn't come. He left me there to be embarrassed and humiliated. To be...Jilted.

The people around the room started to whisper and snicker as I was beginning to panic. Where was he? How could he do this to me? Why am I left here alone? Am I not enough for him? Am I not worth it? Extraordinary pain surged throughout my body. I had never felt so alone. So hurt. So...devalued. 

A major hole had been ripped into my soul. The searing pain that had now created a gash that I feared would never heal. Then when I thought the dream could not get any worse. It did. I discovered him. He had run off with another woman. She was not me by any means, but she was enough to tempt him into leaving me. To run away from years, memories, love and our wedding. It was so upsetting.

As I got ready for church. I felt as if I didn't want to move. All the feeling from my dream where still flooding my brain. I mean I don't even currently have a boyfriend, let alone a fiance for someone to do this to me. I was very aware of the facts. This was not real, nor would it be a possibility in the near future. But why was it rocking me to my very core? My emotions were scattered as I tried to pull myself together. I began my long trek to church and I thought...well I think I'll listen to some music and see if I can get my mind off this. Surely it will help. Nothing. 

So finally I turned to my out loud talking to God, looking like a crazy in my car alone. "Why do I feel this way? What is making me so upset about this dream? Why I am feeling so worthless here? It wasn't even real," I said looking at the top of my windshield, since that was as high I could look towards the heavens while merging from 635 to 75 on that crazy tall ramp. But immediately after I asked I got an answer. I mean I hadn't even gotten to the bottom of the ramp and God said, "This is exactly what you do to Me. You're My bride and you've left Me at the alter. You've Jilted Me, running after the things you think will make you happy. I've given you everything. I've given you life and freedom. You have now tasted what I feel. You now can know the jealously and pain that courses through Me as I watch you and My other children wander from Me and leave Me at the alter." 

I was floored. I felt so petty...so foolish. God had a point. I've been looking for fulfillment in the wrong places. I've been expecting to find it here on earth. I've been thinking I could do it on my own. Man was I wrong. I've got a God who loves me more than I could even realize. He gave me every thing and He died so I could have everything and yet I do not seek after Him like I should. I've been going through the motions for so long that I haven't even taken time to pursue my relationship with Him. I've been so wrapped up in my selfish thoughts and desires that I haven't even thought about alining my heart with Gods. I've been in a broken relationship for a while and I need to allow Him to mend it. Which I believe He has. He rushed right into the big hole in my heart and filled it with himself. Bethany Dillion has a song called So Close. In the lyrics she says her relationship with God sometimes feel like "a broken husband and wife, who never talk but share their nights." I perfectly relate to that. So it's high time that I turn this around. I hated the feelings that I now associate with being Jilted. I want to run down the isle to my eternal Husband, who is my Everlasting Glorious Father in Heaven, who there is no one like!
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