Jilted

Monday, October 18, 2010

Have you ever had a dream that you couldn't easily shake? One that rocked you to your very core. You wake up feeling like it was real, so very real. I mean your aware of the fiction of it, but really your emotions are now spaghetti, it becomes this messy pile. Wether it be of pain, sorrow, grief, worry, joy, love or sheer bliss you can't move from the thought.

This morning was that way for me. As I drifted out of my amazing sleep I had an intense dream. In this dream I was getting ready for my wedding. I was full of nerves. I was bouncing off the walls as the auditorium filled with my guests. I could not wait to walk down that isle and see my man's face. I couldn't wait to be his wife. I was overflowing with love and excitement. And boy did I look good. I had lost the weight I wanted to lose and I was killer in my strapless white gown. (which sort of surprised me a bit, since I've never really thought of myself in a strapless gown...but it was a dream so it's okay....anyways...). But as my dad started walking me down the isle something was missing...something very important. My husband. He didn't come. He left me there to be embarrassed and humiliated. To be...Jilted.

The people around the room started to whisper and snicker as I was beginning to panic. Where was he? How could he do this to me? Why am I left here alone? Am I not enough for him? Am I not worth it? Extraordinary pain surged throughout my body. I had never felt so alone. So hurt. So...devalued. 

A major hole had been ripped into my soul. The searing pain that had now created a gash that I feared would never heal. Then when I thought the dream could not get any worse. It did. I discovered him. He had run off with another woman. She was not me by any means, but she was enough to tempt him into leaving me. To run away from years, memories, love and our wedding. It was so upsetting.

As I got ready for church. I felt as if I didn't want to move. All the feeling from my dream where still flooding my brain. I mean I don't even currently have a boyfriend, let alone a fiance for someone to do this to me. I was very aware of the facts. This was not real, nor would it be a possibility in the near future. But why was it rocking me to my very core? My emotions were scattered as I tried to pull myself together. I began my long trek to church and I thought...well I think I'll listen to some music and see if I can get my mind off this. Surely it will help. Nothing. 

So finally I turned to my out loud talking to God, looking like a crazy in my car alone. "Why do I feel this way? What is making me so upset about this dream? Why I am feeling so worthless here? It wasn't even real," I said looking at the top of my windshield, since that was as high I could look towards the heavens while merging from 635 to 75 on that crazy tall ramp. But immediately after I asked I got an answer. I mean I hadn't even gotten to the bottom of the ramp and God said, "This is exactly what you do to Me. You're My bride and you've left Me at the alter. You've Jilted Me, running after the things you think will make you happy. I've given you everything. I've given you life and freedom. You have now tasted what I feel. You now can know the jealously and pain that courses through Me as I watch you and My other children wander from Me and leave Me at the alter." 

I was floored. I felt so petty...so foolish. God had a point. I've been looking for fulfillment in the wrong places. I've been expecting to find it here on earth. I've been thinking I could do it on my own. Man was I wrong. I've got a God who loves me more than I could even realize. He gave me every thing and He died so I could have everything and yet I do not seek after Him like I should. I've been going through the motions for so long that I haven't even taken time to pursue my relationship with Him. I've been so wrapped up in my selfish thoughts and desires that I haven't even thought about alining my heart with Gods. I've been in a broken relationship for a while and I need to allow Him to mend it. Which I believe He has. He rushed right into the big hole in my heart and filled it with himself. Bethany Dillion has a song called So Close. In the lyrics she says her relationship with God sometimes feel like "a broken husband and wife, who never talk but share their nights." I perfectly relate to that. So it's high time that I turn this around. I hated the feelings that I now associate with being Jilted. I want to run down the isle to my eternal Husband, who is my Everlasting Glorious Father in Heaven, who there is no one like!

The Path

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it."
-Matt. 7:13

Walking a down a narrow path is hard. Have you ever tried it? The smaller the path the more difficult it is to navigate. Your eyes focus on small opening ahead of you. You move through the trail trying hard not to scrap your arms or legs on brush alongside you, which occasionally throws your balance into check. Without fail you get scrapes and bruises, well at least I know I do. When my balance is in question you can bet that gravity usually wins. The longer you walk on this path the easier it is for you to wish it away. Long for the easy road. That wide open, paved pathway. Just there, waiting to take you to your destination, all safe and sound. And the one you dream of is always at a steady downhill slope, even if your going up. Yeah. Now that path sounds comfortable.

So the past few months, I've found that comfortable and let's face it "lazy" path that has led me away from consistency I allowed excuse after excuse to consume my reasoning and my reasoning always led me to believe that I could just miss this one and I would be okay. But one missed workout, led to another and another. They just started adding up. And before I knew it I was back into the habit of sitting around after work. Eating the wrong foods, way to much of them for that matter, and allowing my hard work to somehow drift off into the land of all for nothing.

Recently I started noticing. My clothes that were once starting to feel loose and baggy, where beginning to feel normal or even tight. My cute little chin was starting to look slightly double-ish again. And my sunny positive, life is going to be good attitude was diluted. I was reverting back to a me, that I no longer wish to be. I don't want to look back over the past year and say...I was on such a great roll. What happened? Why am I still right where I don't want to be? I was doing so very good!

So while lacking the actual motivation to stand up and say enough is enough, I decided enough is enough. I am going to make the most of this. I am going to take the first step. I can't just wait for the motivation to hit. I've got to stand up for what I want and run after it.

So that's what I did. I got back into the habit of working out with my trainer. I've started elipticising again. And food, let's face it, is my biggest weakness, but I am starting to eat healthier again. Slowly but surely I am looking at my path and it's right were I would like to be headed, even though it's not quite as comfortable as I would like it to be.

The same could be said for my relationship with Christ. I've been, as many say, "going through the motions." I've been a happy plastic individual. Just going to events and smiling. Not focusing on the one true reason I should be there. To worship a living God who will move through our body of believers to do great things for his glory. To let the world know that, this is the reason we are alive. Because a holy God died on a cross, bearing the weight of ALL OUR SINS! He took our shackles and punishment. He died so that I may live. My sorry little undeserving life.

So I end this post with a song. I've found that God is really good at speaking to me, through music. This amazing song by Brandon Heath is my anthem right now. It is where I stand. I will not settle for anything less than Gods best plan for my life. I can't. What's the point. All my dreams seem silly when compared to the plan that God has laid out for me. I could never dream as big as him. But I will do my very best to stay uncomfortable for his sake.


Comfortable, don’t get comfortable.
I am gonna’ move this mountain then I’m gonna move you in.
Yesterday, this is not yesterday.
You were standing on my shoulders now; you’re standing on the edge.
You’ve been looking for a sign all this time.
I am gonna show you what I mean
I am gonna love like you’ve never seen
You are gonna live like you used to dream
This is your new song
So afraid but you don’t have to be afraid
Even if you make mistakes
You know that I’ll remain
You’ve been looking for a sign all this time.
If you seek you’ll find me every time.
So I am gonna show you what I mean
I am gonna’ love like you’ve never seen
You are gonna live like you used to dream
This is your new song

You Won't Be Back

Friday, May 28, 2010

LETTER OF TERMINATION:

May 27, 2010

Fat Jenn
Frisco, TX

Dear Fat Jenn,

After a careful investigation, I have concluded that you have violated the health and emotional state codes by entering areas of my stomach in excessive amounts . This misconduct is made more serious by your prior actions specifically, driving a wedge between me and God without my knowledge, more wedge driving between boys (specifically ones who would want to date me) and by potentially affecting my overall health now and in the future. 

In light of these facts, you are being dismissed from the Nelson Mind, Body and Home, effective May 27, 2010. While this dismissal does not constitute dismissal from Jenn's memory, her memory will be notified and may elect to impose additional sanctions upon past and present offenses.

You have the right to request a review of this action by filing an Appeal. But note that your appeal will be denied as this offense is completely unforgivable.

Sincerely,

Some-What Skinny Jenn
-Owner of this Body

Rain, Rainbows and Promises Promises

Monday, May 03, 2010

I'm so joyful! Rain has come back into my life my life today. I'm a strange one. I long for rain the way most long for sunlight. Mind you, I adore the beautiful sunny days which is how the day began, but there is something about rain that will never compare for me. I love the sound and smell of it. I love the accessories you get to use with it. Rain boots, umbrellas, Rain Coats. Oh and don't get me started on puddles. Whoever said puddle jumping is just for kids is crazy. It's so fun. Directly after it's rained the colors outside are so saturated and beautiful. The world is redefined. It's a new canvas. It's refreshed. And today God reminded me of his affection for us with the most stunning rainbow I've seen, in well, probably my whole life. The colors were so vibrant and bright and it made what I like to call a "whole bow." In fact there was a second bow close by. It was incredible. An entire half circle and a half of pure drop dead gorgeous rainbow. Who could ask for more.

As I was staring at this unbelievable rainbow I was reminded of God's promise. He promised that every time we saw a rainbow it would be a sign of his Love for us, and his promise to never destroy the earth again with a flood. I just thought about it for a bit. And God's promise, although made long ago, still holds true today and with every rainbow, he reminds us of his promise to us. Even though it's 2010, he still remembers and holds true to it. Through his promise I am encouraged. I want to maintain my promise to myself. I want to lose this weight and keep it off. Because I have promised myself that I am worth that. I want to always remember that God's promise to us never changes and neither should mine.

So as of today, I am a good four months into my new promise to myself. Over this past week I've been noticing new things about myself. For example, I got my photo taken for an id badge this week. I was warned but it still did not the uncomfortable distance the security officer was to my face holding the camera any more bearable. When I picked up the badge I was shocked. Most people in my office were complaining about how close he got to their faces, but I was over joyed! I took several double takes of my cute face. My double chin is almost gone! I haven't really noticed it until I saw the photo. I started to compare to older photos of myself from before I started and I was shocked. I couldn't believe this subtle transformation happened right in front of my eyes and I missed it! I missed it. I can't believe I missed it. But when I noticed I told everyone. I was so proud of me. I've also noticed my muscles starting to show in my arms, legs and back. And collar bone is starting to show again! But none of these even compared to the progress of my belly fat, at least not in my eyes at least. I did my measurements this week and I have lost a total of FOUR INCHES around my waist since December! That is almost an inch a month! I can't believe it! I really am super excited about who I am becoming and I plan on reaching my goals and then making new ones to maintain and stay there! This is my promise to me. Thank you rain for my wonderful reminder of what I am doing! I missed you too! Smile*

Let's Go Ride My Bike!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

All work and no play. That's what I've felt like lately. Being super busy is so exhausting. I'm working on the slowing down and really enjoying life part as of late, and let me tell you, that part has been brilliant. Last week I bought an Electra Townie Bike, I'm still waiting on the accessories I purchased with it, but the thing is just beautiful. It's a work of art. It is probably one of the best investments I've made besides my guitar. When the week settled down and the weekend commenced, I found a local trail, Arbor Hills Nature Reserve,  and went for a ride. It was so peaceful. The sounds of the stream running through the woods, the shade of the trees on the path and the wind whipping past me as I rode steadily through the "forest." It was so relaxing as well as a perfect workout. I rode for an hour and half, which I looked up later to find that it should have helped me burn at least 475-625 calories. I love burning calories, cuz skinny is gonna look good on me!
After the bike ride I spent some time with my closest friends. We ate dinner together, sort of tried to geocache and then played cards well into the night. It was fantastic! It was one of the most relaxing days I had, had in a while. The next morning I had my much needed annual sleep in, which lasted longer than most as I woke up at 1 in the afternoon. I count that as a big win for me and my body though, cuz i felt amazing. (Although my body clock is paying for that now.) But as I told you guys in previous entry I had a very big task to tackle on that Sunday Evening. My audition for the worship team. I practiced a song just in case and went down all prepared. Slightly, well lets just say unsure of what they would thing, nervous. I went in, I auditioned and guess what!? They want me. I'm in. Jason, the worship leader said that I was an Alto, with a strong soloist's voice and better yet he said he would teach me to harmonize! I'm so excited! So I will be joining that team very soon so that is super exciting. I kinda can't wait! God has been super good to me. I always feel that when I jump back into music, God grants me all kinds of opportunities to shine for him. Another example I just auditioned to be on Glee, which I know is slightly silly, but really it could be super great. I could be an example for him in one of the towns in America that has the greatest need for him. And now that I am becoming more confident with myself and my voice and talent, I've had some more opportunities come up recently. I have a gig with my band mate Kelechi on Saturday. We are opening for another band he plays in. I feel like this could really be the start of something great. 
So really, I just hope that in all my times of crazy, that I can sit back and realize how even when I don't think I have the time or the gifts to bring, God can use me. Even with the little I have to offer. I can just use what I have to give and offer my very best. I want to be God's beautiful mess. I want to be faithful with what He has given me and let him be fruitful. 

How?

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

On Tuesday nights, as you already know, I am all wrapped up in LOST until the final episode on May 23. So I've unfortunately been missing the Biggest Loser Season 8, which is at the same time. But luckily for me, iTunes has come the rescue each and every time I've missed it. So this week, when I finally watched it, surprise, surprise Jillian was picking on one of the newer contestants on the Ranch, Victoria. She, realizing that Vicki was needing to go through the same mental breakthroughs that everyone else was having, started asking her over and over, "How did you get here? What led you to being overweight? How? Until you know that, you'll never really get this." So there it was right in front of Victoria. The age old question. How did I let this happen? How?
I've realized I need to answer this for myself or I'll never really understand what is going on with me. I will never really get to know me the way I should. I will never truly make this about me, like it should be. It really shouldn't be about anything else but me. So here it is. Here is my How. 
HOW:
I can really pin the beginning of my weight gain to moment I injured my knee in high school. I tore my ACL and MCL in my right knee playing basketball, around the summer before I became a Junior in HS. After my injury I worked my butt off, I did the surgeries, I did the Physical Therapy, I wanted to get back so badly. I wanted that college scholarship. I wanted to prove I was worth it and only recently at that time I started to discover that I in fact, was. I was back on the court in 4 months. (I DO NOT recommend this for anyone by the way). I was doing great, until the fatal moment when I twisted my knee a second time, as it was not strong enough yet, and tore my MCL a second time. I worked really hard to get back again, but by this point all my hopes of playing ball in college were shot. No one wanted a liability. I was more than definitely a liability. So not really knowing during this time that I should change my eating habits I continued eating like I was working out. But lets face it. I wasn't. The weight gain, was never too drastic from this period because by the time I got to college I wasn't that big. I was actually fairly fit looking still. 
Sometime between the pig out sessions of the college cafeteria an classes, the  feeling of worthlessness crept into my life. Between my home life and my new found personal life at school I had issues. My dad and I were not that close and I was always striving to be the best and to finally win his approval, which never seemed to happen. And in my new personal life I had a guy friend, who I trusted, call me the F word, which at the time I was soooo not. (For those not following, the F word is "Fat"). Following this cruel remark he continued the insults, because apparently he was on a roll or something, and went on to criticize one of the few parts of my body to which no one ever found offense. My Hair. (Which was, at the time, my favorite thing about me). 
Yep, you guessed it. Right after this I went into a tail spin of self loathing, which was accompanied with pity parties and plenty of tears. I ate because I didn't care anymore. I wasn't worth it for anyone. I've always put others first and look where it got me. So what did I do. I continued to put others first. I would let people walk all over me, just to earn some type of approval. Which never seemed to be enough. But how could I ever see myself as good again? Things had to change. Which they slowly did. 
My dad was the first to change. After discovering he had Prostate cancer, he became and still is the father I wish I always had. He did a complete one eighty. He got baptized and joined the church and started appreciating us a whole lot more. He called me and told me he loved me, which I always knew just rarely heard. At first this change was incredibly hard to accept. It was tricky to navigate the waters that were so new to me. This man who I could never seem to get approval from, was finally admitting that I was great. He was telling me everything I needed to hear for the first time. It was a big turning point for me and for him, but that did not solve my over eating. I never addressed this until recently. I also eventually realized that I was worth it as well after a bout of almost dating a guy who didn't think of himself as worth it. One day I asked him, "How can you not understand how great you are? It's so obvious to me!" And then it hit me like a ton of bricks! Wholey Crap! I am him. I needed to hear that as much as he did. I am worth it and how could I not see that. Once again the eating was not addressed here, just the emotions. Which were still a fairly difficult struggle for a long while. Let's just say the devil and I had a few wrestling matches in which I'm pretty sure I lost, but lets just say he's gonna have to deal with the new me. 
Anyway. Emotionally I figured things out at that time, so I thought. But the emotions got more and more messed up as I gained more weight. (You know, from the eating with no exercise). I began convincing myself that I was in fact just a big girl. I always had been. I mean growing up I was called an Amazon Princess, which lets face it, not many girls grow up wishing to be Zena the Warrior Princess. No one ever told me they called me this because I was tall. I just always assumed it was because I was big or something and always would be. So I just got more and more depressed I guess. I didn't have any boyfriends. I mean I had close encounters and heart break but no boyfriends. Which sadly I've been able to peg down to the weight gain. While my body was changing so was my mind. I was becoming the kind of person people didn't want to be around. I was sad but then I chose to hide it. And for a long time it worked. People wanted to be my friend. I was the life of the party. I made things fun, mostly because I felt accepted this way. I did everything as right as I could. I went to bible study, I joined the leadership at the campus affiliated christian group I was attending. But all in all, I wasn't getting closer to God. I was moving away from him. God and I were buds but really that was it. We saw each other on Tuesday nights and Sunday mornings with the occasional other weekly event. I'm not sure I even saw him during those times, well at least not all the time. I was more focused on seeing others. You know for the whole acceptance thing. All this time. I forgot who I was. I forgot that I was worth it and that I am worth it because Jesus' death and resurrection was my price. I am now paid for and full of worth. All the fat that has driven me to the crazy emotions and heart ache has also placed a huge, and I mean HUGE blockade between me an God. And gee whiz, Satan knew what he was doing when he started his plan. He knew this was going to take a while to fester, and that the weight would not come off that easy, so I might just give up, with his help of course. Well, let's put it this way. I'm not giving up now. I want to kick the crap out of the fat. I want to punish it for trying to harm me emotionally, physically, and spiritually. 

As I have started to lose this weight, my mind is starting to realize why this happened. I've realized all the harm it's done to me. All the personality I just let die in the process. I just closed myself in and never really figured out who I am and what I could be. So Jillian Thank You. You made a great point. Everyone needs to know the how because if you don't know the how, you'll never know the why. The why I need to do this. Why I need to change. Why I am worth it. Why.

So fat. Adios. You no longer can stay. It's go time. So here I am. Here is my WHY. Here is MY reason for never giving up on this. 

I've got rhythm

Friday, April 16, 2010

So I'm finally reaching my rhythm again. Working out is becoming a part of my everyday life. It's being incorporated mostly in the evenings. I am just so ready to dispose of this fat that is inhabiting my big gullet that I am kicking my cardio up a couple notches. I am now up to 50 minutes of ellipticising (if that is even a word). I am just chugging along, rocking out to the Toby Mac Pandora station on my iPhone. Not only has that station been a real motivator via the beat, but the music is really allowing God and I to have some much needed one on one time. I'm finding face time with the father while I peddle my legs around a machine that really is taking me nowhere very slowly. I'm focusing more on lyrics and enhancing my dialogue with my abba father. Working out is becoming more to me than just a part of my day. It's more than just physically getting me fit. It's getting me spiritually fit as well. I really never knew that God could take something so trivial in our lives like a simple trudge on a treadmill or elliptical and make it an important meeting ground. The elliptical is becoming a sacred place for God and I to meet. I just hope I keep up with the beat. smile*

Just Been One Of Those Days...

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Today has been a trying day. My emotions have been meddled with and I really don't know why it's been such a challenging day. When someone today called me out as being "annoying," I don't know why, but I was shocked. I was hurt. Me "annoying." I thought I had grown out of that. I mean I know I have my on occasion a bout of ridiculous, but really I usually do not have that at work. And when they called me out on it, although they were right, I was hurt. Not just the kind of hurt that lasts for a good fifteen to twenty minutes of sulking. But the rest of the day. I didn't want to talk to the person. I just wanted to leave. I wanted to sit in my very own pity party and just sigh. Oh whoa is me. But why? Why was I so caught up in this ridiculous idea? Why did it take such a hold on me? Why? 


To be honest I've not really been able to pin it down to much more than this. I don't really know. I mean it could be a multitude of things. It could be the whole professionalism thing, or the fact that it didn't seem cool, maybe it took me back to days in my childhood when I wasn't deemed good enough, or foolish. All I know is that I didn't like it. And I really can't pin it on anything, but the fact that it just is one of those days. I think Shawn Groves said it best in his song with that very title: 


At the risk of sounding shallow
Maybe trivial or trite
Emotional or mellowed
Well, how can I say this right?

Guess, I’m not the kind that figures
Life’s all rainbows and blues skies
Still I just can’t help but notice
I’ve got no good cause to cry

(Chorus)
It’s just been one of those days, one of those days
Every glass half full, every drop lemonade
Just one of those days, one of those days
All my worries to bed
And my faith wide awake
Hey, hey, hey
Just one of those days
Just one of those days 



There’s a smile I can’t turn down
For a dance across my face
And the way I see things now
A frown would just be out of place 


Cause I know you’re in your heaven
Yeah, with both hands on the wheel
And somehow this simple knowing
Has infected how I feel 



Chorus

I’m not blind to imperfections
Still a realist by trade
A pragmatic, pessimistic, over-thinker
On a break



Chorus


God I know that I am a foolish woman. I am human so I have the ability to find ways to make myself mope. I also know that this is not who you made me to be. I am to do everything I do for you. "In EVERYTHING set them an example by doing good." -Titus 2:7a. Well today, both in my anoying-ness and grumpiness, I was setting a pretty poor example. So my goal for tomorrow is to be good. In everything. Wow. I know. Big Challenge. But really, I am called to at least try. 


--------------------------------------------------
P.S. Today I did Cardio at the Gym for 50 minutes! I covered the distance of, get this, 4.81 miles! What! What! I rocked out today. It must have been all that angst. But I've got it all out now and I'm a much happier person for it. Yay!

Oh Imagination...

Monday, April 12, 2010

Oh Monday. How you just love to grace me with your presence each week. This time it was a bit strange to see you again though. Working through the weekend really does throw you off. I will cope though.

So I've noticed that with many of other women who are either struggling with weight loss or have lost tons of it and kept it off seem to have one thing in common. They all still feel fat. Apparently it's a curse. I didn't really know about the curse until recently but I almost am unsure it will carry the same importance for me. You see I think I've been lying to myself in the opposite way. I think I've been trying to convince myself that I am skinny. I think I've always seen myself as skinny, but rarely acknowledge that I am in fact a fatty. When I dream I am the skinny girl. When I buy clothing I tend to think I can fit into things I cannot, which makes the fitting room not to fun, and explains some of the odd looks I get when I carry those things in there. But really I think I've always just imagined myself skinny. 

Well I'm tired of imagining it. I want to actually be skinny. I am working hard for it. And although I know it's going to take a while, I know this is worth it. Because I really believe that I am. So therefore I can be. Also in the words of Prior Fat Girl, "It took years to pack these pounds on and it's gonna take at least that long to take it off." So it's time for mind and body to be one. Skinny here I come.

One Pound and Richard Simmons. Quite a Combo.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

This morning, when I finally drug myself out of bed, I decided to step on the scale again. It had been a few days since I had last graced my presence there and it seemed high time for it again. To explain, foor the past three weeks my weight has not changed. I've been at a solid 226 lbs, and yes I know it's embarrassing that's why I'm losing weight. I've been mortified about this for a very long time. But so far I've lost like ten pounds so getting back to this weight was an accomplishment all in itself. But really this weight is what I have pretty much been since I graduated college two years ago. During this time I've never really been that far under this number. It's sort of been my "I can't seem to break through it" weight and for a long time I accepted that. I accepted that I would just be a big woman. It was who God created me to be and gosh dang it someone will eventually realize how cool I am. They just need to get to know me a bit. Yeah that's all.

Well i finally convinced myself that was a lie and now I want to kill that number. I want to crush it and never return. And today as I stepped on the scale again. I was sure I would see that number again. I mean it's been there for so long I just got use to it. So today, when I looked down I almost jumped off the scale and tried again to make sure I wasn't dreaming. I had lost a pound! A whole pound! I know that it doesn't seem like a big deal. I mean it's a pound. But do you realize that, that pound means so much. I am under 226 for the first time in well, lets face it, a long time. I am now 225. 225. I never thought I would be so proud of such a crap weight. But really now that I have passed the unforgiving 226 I want to really crush it. I want to really start seeing those numbers get lower and lower. And now, I am one pound closer to my goal! Thank you God for allowing me to see the joy in one silly little pound. 

The day was a long one. I had to go into work after I had my major achievement, which kind of took my glorious pound and placed it on the self. Work today was not quite as much fun as the day before. Today other people showed up and the company did not allow for singing in the office, but I went along with all I had to do and left.  After a quick bite at Jimmy Johns ( I love me some Jimmy) and went to church. Today I decided to be bold. Following the service. I decided I would ask the band (which is all boys) if they would need female vocals. I know. I'm shocked with myself. I mean I've always wanted to sing in front at church but never really thought I would be able to. I've been to scared to ask and other times just flat out shut down. But after some coxing from my friends Hannah and Lindsey. I went. I asked. And they said I should come out to church early in two weeks and I could do a sort of audition for them. I couldn't believe it. I asked. And they said yes. Wow. I just hope I don't screw this up. It could be a total blast. No more being scared. I have had enough compliments from my friends to know I can do this. So you know what. I'm gonna do it. It's high time I tried to be bold again. I am really starting to feel like the girl I once was. I really like her. smile*

After my amazing bold moment I was talked into Half Price Sushi at the Kona Grill. All I have to say is Yum. So good. I love sushi! When it was time to leave I made the, so called, long journey back to Frisco. So it's getting late and I don't really want to do my cardio for the day. I really wanted to go and watch movie. I didn't want to leave the house. So the decision was made. Don't leave. Do an aerobic video. Then it hit me. I remembered my amazing purchase from goodwill. SWEATIN' TO THE OLDIES "2" an aerobic workout with Richard Simmons. When that hit me it was all over. I knew as silly as it was. I needed to do that. I did it. I did that whole video. Let me tell you I did sweat and I laughed harder than I have in a while. It was hysterical. I highly recommend this video for a low impact cardio workout. It was so funny to me. It went by fast too. So there you have it. I'm down a pound and if Richard Simmons has anything to say about it. I will be down another and more coordinated before you know it. So thank you Richard. Thank you for allowing me an evening where I could laugh and sweat my sorry butt off. Love it.

People.

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Working the weekend is usually not that fun, but for some reason today was an exception. The office was mine alone. Not a soul was around. So decided to check the acoustics of the giant room we work in and let me tell you, not too shabby. I burst out into the songs of Glee, of course practicing for my up coming video audition. As much fun as I was having I was still feeling a bit guilty about my previous two days. You see. With the way work has been...I've well, missed two cardio workouts. There I said it. TWO WORKOUTS. I've wanted to workout but at the same time things kept coming up. Those two days were wasted. I mean I ate right and all that, but really I lost two quality days that would have been a great help to achieving my goals. So today I knew I was going to need to makeup for that mishap. So I planned a workout with my best friend. I drove out to Mansfield, TX and she and I walked 4.5 miles. It was brilliant. To workout, outside. Oh the outdoors are just so lovely this time of year! Working out was a blast. We walked forever and she pushed me with the walking speed only skinny people can maintain for such a distance. But it was a blast and we talked about, well, almost everything. It was just so fun. I love that God creates people to blend in with us. People who are meant to be close to us. In the words of Fanny Brice (aka Barbara Streisand) "People who need People are the luckiest People in the world!" I'm so lucky.

Long or Short Term, You need Goals.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

It's amazing how a day can just fly by. I feel like I was just here writing an entry not too long ago. Wow...time flies when your super busy I guess.

Well today has been an interesting day (like always I suppose). But anyway, I've been challenged by my trainer to start writing down my cardio workouts for the week, my food intake (including calories, protein, and fat), and my goals (long term, short term, whatever). At this point I haven't been told what is acceptable, so I'm flying by the seat of my pants hoping to be right on target when I have to turn these in next week. But really. Goals. I didn't think these would be so hard to think about. I mean I know in the long term I want to lose about 50 lbs. I know that I would like to fit into this amazing red dress, I bought as an inspiration, by the time I go to LA in May. But other than that I guess my main goal in my mind is to to become a fatty no more. I want to be thin. But not like unhealthy thin. I just want to be healthy. Fit. I want to feel as beautiful on the outside as I do on the inside. So below are my official Goals for this. Each is labeled with an {L} for Long Term or an {S} for Short Term.

1. {L} To Lose 60 lbs total (or get down to 170)
2. {S} To fit into my red dress by the LA trip in May - (aka - drop two dress sizes by mid May)
3. {S} To write out my caloric intake and cardio workouts for my food everyday this month.
4. {L} To write out my caloric intake and cardio workouts for my food everyday this year.
5. {S/L} Workout 5-6 times a week for at least 45 minutes.

So there you have it. In a nut shell. At least this can be a starting point. Something to sink my teeth into. I feel that I can definitely try to maintain and achieve these goals.

Lost and Found.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Oye! What a day I had today! Just as I began to get my head above water and breathe again at work, I was struck by the wave of naïvety and sent into massive whirlpool of frustration and anger. I was so naive! I thought, "it's over, the crazy busy schedule at work. I made it through! I'm so proud of me!" I just started to get everything under control. And then it happened. The deadlines all started lining up. Around the SAME DAYS! All of the work I thought I could manage in the next few weeks became next weeks work. Oh and not just due next week sometime, but the beginning of next week. There it went. All of my emotions went haywire. I felt I needed to curl up in the fetal position under my desk and start crying while chanting "I won't do it. You can't make me. I quit. I quit! I QUIT!"

Oh I had to get out of there. I needed to breathe. So after finalizing everything that I could for the day I left. Just leaving I felt like the weight of the world was lifted off, but I still had a chip on my shoulder I just didn't know it yet. I ran a few errands and picked up my groceries to make good healthy food from my new cookbook my trainer provided me with. Tonight's dinner was super fantastic! I made Grilled chicken on a bed of Wild Cranberry Rice with Steamed Asparagus! Oh and it was as heavenly as it sounds. I haven't even spilled the beans on the best part yet! It was only 450 calories! I know! Brilliant!

So everything was fine. So I thought at least. As I sat down to eat my wonderful diner and I began to watch the latest episode of LOST. Being so near to the end of its final season I am captivated by it's amazing-ness. I have clung to every moment of this show like I need it to survive. And as my roommate and I are watching the episode, the mysterious digital cable (Free I might add) went fuzzy and stopped. Now if this was a commercial it would have been no big deal. If it had been a just the picture and not the dialogue I wouldn't have cared. But we lost it all! And right as Charles Widmore was about to explain a major question...The last thing we heard him say was We need Desmond because...and then it went blank. No picture. No Sound. It stopped. I yelled. And we quickly adjusted the antenna and got the picture and sound back right as Charles said, "and that's why we need him." I couldn't believe it. Everything we needed to know was blocked out perfectly. It was just like in a movie. We missed an important fact and I lost it. I started calling all my friends who watch lost looking for the answer. I just knew this was going to haunt me. I needed to know what happened. I felt the rest of the episode wouldn't make sense if I didn't know what was said. I spent the rest of the episode in a panic. No one answered their phones and I was losing patience again. Everything emotionally from the crappy day I had just had at work was spilling back into my life at speeds I didn't know it could reach. I felt out of control and I needed to get out.

After the show was over I went to the gym. But not before I almost went crazy a second time, after I filled a water bottle and lost it in about a thirty second time frame, which then took a good five to ten minutes to find. Once I found it. I started driving to the gym. I talked with my best friend and learned the answer to my LOST moment and I started to feel a bit relieved. But the frustration and anger from work was still lingering overhead. So I took it out on the machines. I kicked the Arc Trainer's butt for a good 15 minutes, while it proceeded to kick mine back. I left probably the biggest puddle of sweat ever under that machine. I then switched to the elliptical for 35 minutes and kicked it's sorry bumper too. All while listening to Toby Mac Radio on Pandora.

While running my last stretch, God opened up a can and showed me something. The song Offering by Third Day came on. I mostly didn't pay attention at first but suddenly I HEARD the chorus:


This is my offering, dear Lord
This is my offering to You, God
And I will give You my life
For it’s all I have to give
Because You gave Your life for me


God grabbed my heart right there on the elliptical machine. I never thought that could happen. But God reached out and said, "You know, you've been so wrapped up in the things of this life that don't really matter. You've given just about all you have to them. You are captivated by TV Shows that in the great scheme of things do not matter. You are flustered with your job, which affects your attitude. Your life should be offered to me first and foremost. I feel like you are forgetting me. Please don't forget me. I want you to want me. I don't NEED you to want me, but I WANT you to WANT me."

So all the crazy of the day came down to this. I want to offer up my life to God. It is no where near perfect. I am a human wrapped up in sin. I willing though to offer myself up to God. Because really, it's all I have to give. And he may not need me, but I certainly NEED HIM! So thank you God! I never would have thought I workout could be so good for me. I feel relieved from the things that have weighed heavy on my life. I feel FOUND. 

Gelatinous.

Monday, April 05, 2010

So a few weeks ago I was doing jumping jacks in at the gym with my trainer. Looking in the mirror. Yep. I got to watch myself and with every jump my shirt kept flinging itself upward. Like playing a game of peek-a-boo, my bare and gelatinous stomach then made its appearance. Every other second. It was mortifying when you really think about it. The whole gym could see. I know this is going to take a ton of work, but I am done with this fat surrounding my skinny self. I love when I see the results of my work especially over the last few weeks, but that was not a fun moment for me. It's really motivating though because I realized how much I don't want to be like this anymore. I am sick of feeling lousy about myself and thinking that nothing is ever going to change. So last week I did the eliptical for 45 minutes one night and then 40 minutes the next night...it was a great feeling. 600 calories burned baby (each time)! Whoot Whoot! And now my trainer and I have started working out again. (post bringing babies into the world) We are now working out of his home gym. Today was the first of many workouts to come. I am ready to really start this up again. I am ready to become the skinny self I know I am underneath. 

Tired of my fat self...

Monday, April 05, 2010

 This new journey for my life began with a pre-new years resolution (I say pre cuz I'm not the biggest fan of new years resolutions--no one ever follows them and they are easy to give up on). In December I joined the local 24 Hour Fitness. After watching an the finale of the Biggest Loser Season 8, I decided if these prior fat people can lose tons of weight in 12 weeks time then I can definately lose the 60 lbs I need to by next December. Deciding first of all that this is worth it to me I made the move to join a gym since I needed to be more than emotionally invested in this. It needed to be tied to my finances as well.


So I joined the gym. I went ahead and sprung for the slightly extra cost, well the major cost of having a trainer teach me the ways of weight loss. My trainer, D'mitri, got me started with kicking butt and taking names really quick. He took my sorry out of shape self and started me out on a workout that is slowly but surely whipping my fat self in to my much desired skinny self (coming soon to a town near you--smile*).  In a very short time, Jan. 30th to March 6th, I lost over 30 lbs of fat, and gained 20 lbs of lean mass or muscle and I've lost a good 3 inches off my waist since December. The scale unfortunately is deceiving as I have only lost 10 lbs technically. 


Things are well on their way! But that doesn't mean that it's not going to be harder than anything I've every imagined, cuz lets face it losing weight is one of the biggest challenges I will ever attempt. Especially considering my true love of sweet foods. Mmmmm. But that ship has sailed. I have decided that I want this more than anything. Someone once told me That Nothing will ever taste as good as thin feels, and well I believe that now. 


But with three months of my new regimen I have started to become stagnate. I've become tired with the idea of working out and losing this weight. I've lost that spark. You know, the initial excitement of something new, something you know is going to help you. I've become very bored with the idea and I'm terribly afraid of what that could mean. I mean I've lost weight before. About the time I start seeing results I become satisfied and instead of continuing I feel good enough. Well obviously the results I recently received were super amazing, so over the past month I've not pushing myself the way I had been. And to be honest. I can tell. And not that this is any excuse, but my trainer and his wife had twins, so he's been very busy. But I've decided this is Satan's hold on me. He's always tired to make me feel sorry for myself by making me feel that I am not worth anything. I am worth something and I know that being skinny will never make me good enough, because I am only good enough because God made me good enough when he died for me on the cross. I just believe that by losing this weight I will be able to suppress Satan's attempts to haunt me about my size and focus more on what really matters. Me loving Christ with all that I can. So my trainer and I have started working out again tonight. This blog is my new tool for keeping myself accountable. I am going to reach my goals. I am sick and tired of looking back and thinking if I had just keep with working out last year, I wonder what I would look like now. So next year. I want to look back and say, I'm so proud of me. I am so proud of who I have become. I love me and I love my God. How great would that be? 

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