How?

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

On Tuesday nights, as you already know, I am all wrapped up in LOST until the final episode on May 23. So I've unfortunately been missing the Biggest Loser Season 8, which is at the same time. But luckily for me, iTunes has come the rescue each and every time I've missed it. So this week, when I finally watched it, surprise, surprise Jillian was picking on one of the newer contestants on the Ranch, Victoria. She, realizing that Vicki was needing to go through the same mental breakthroughs that everyone else was having, started asking her over and over, "How did you get here? What led you to being overweight? How? Until you know that, you'll never really get this." So there it was right in front of Victoria. The age old question. How did I let this happen? How?
I've realized I need to answer this for myself or I'll never really understand what is going on with me. I will never really get to know me the way I should. I will never truly make this about me, like it should be. It really shouldn't be about anything else but me. So here it is. Here is my How. 
HOW:
I can really pin the beginning of my weight gain to moment I injured my knee in high school. I tore my ACL and MCL in my right knee playing basketball, around the summer before I became a Junior in HS. After my injury I worked my butt off, I did the surgeries, I did the Physical Therapy, I wanted to get back so badly. I wanted that college scholarship. I wanted to prove I was worth it and only recently at that time I started to discover that I in fact, was. I was back on the court in 4 months. (I DO NOT recommend this for anyone by the way). I was doing great, until the fatal moment when I twisted my knee a second time, as it was not strong enough yet, and tore my MCL a second time. I worked really hard to get back again, but by this point all my hopes of playing ball in college were shot. No one wanted a liability. I was more than definitely a liability. So not really knowing during this time that I should change my eating habits I continued eating like I was working out. But lets face it. I wasn't. The weight gain, was never too drastic from this period because by the time I got to college I wasn't that big. I was actually fairly fit looking still. 
Sometime between the pig out sessions of the college cafeteria an classes, the  feeling of worthlessness crept into my life. Between my home life and my new found personal life at school I had issues. My dad and I were not that close and I was always striving to be the best and to finally win his approval, which never seemed to happen. And in my new personal life I had a guy friend, who I trusted, call me the F word, which at the time I was soooo not. (For those not following, the F word is "Fat"). Following this cruel remark he continued the insults, because apparently he was on a roll or something, and went on to criticize one of the few parts of my body to which no one ever found offense. My Hair. (Which was, at the time, my favorite thing about me). 
Yep, you guessed it. Right after this I went into a tail spin of self loathing, which was accompanied with pity parties and plenty of tears. I ate because I didn't care anymore. I wasn't worth it for anyone. I've always put others first and look where it got me. So what did I do. I continued to put others first. I would let people walk all over me, just to earn some type of approval. Which never seemed to be enough. But how could I ever see myself as good again? Things had to change. Which they slowly did. 
My dad was the first to change. After discovering he had Prostate cancer, he became and still is the father I wish I always had. He did a complete one eighty. He got baptized and joined the church and started appreciating us a whole lot more. He called me and told me he loved me, which I always knew just rarely heard. At first this change was incredibly hard to accept. It was tricky to navigate the waters that were so new to me. This man who I could never seem to get approval from, was finally admitting that I was great. He was telling me everything I needed to hear for the first time. It was a big turning point for me and for him, but that did not solve my over eating. I never addressed this until recently. I also eventually realized that I was worth it as well after a bout of almost dating a guy who didn't think of himself as worth it. One day I asked him, "How can you not understand how great you are? It's so obvious to me!" And then it hit me like a ton of bricks! Wholey Crap! I am him. I needed to hear that as much as he did. I am worth it and how could I not see that. Once again the eating was not addressed here, just the emotions. Which were still a fairly difficult struggle for a long while. Let's just say the devil and I had a few wrestling matches in which I'm pretty sure I lost, but lets just say he's gonna have to deal with the new me. 
Anyway. Emotionally I figured things out at that time, so I thought. But the emotions got more and more messed up as I gained more weight. (You know, from the eating with no exercise). I began convincing myself that I was in fact just a big girl. I always had been. I mean growing up I was called an Amazon Princess, which lets face it, not many girls grow up wishing to be Zena the Warrior Princess. No one ever told me they called me this because I was tall. I just always assumed it was because I was big or something and always would be. So I just got more and more depressed I guess. I didn't have any boyfriends. I mean I had close encounters and heart break but no boyfriends. Which sadly I've been able to peg down to the weight gain. While my body was changing so was my mind. I was becoming the kind of person people didn't want to be around. I was sad but then I chose to hide it. And for a long time it worked. People wanted to be my friend. I was the life of the party. I made things fun, mostly because I felt accepted this way. I did everything as right as I could. I went to bible study, I joined the leadership at the campus affiliated christian group I was attending. But all in all, I wasn't getting closer to God. I was moving away from him. God and I were buds but really that was it. We saw each other on Tuesday nights and Sunday mornings with the occasional other weekly event. I'm not sure I even saw him during those times, well at least not all the time. I was more focused on seeing others. You know for the whole acceptance thing. All this time. I forgot who I was. I forgot that I was worth it and that I am worth it because Jesus' death and resurrection was my price. I am now paid for and full of worth. All the fat that has driven me to the crazy emotions and heart ache has also placed a huge, and I mean HUGE blockade between me an God. And gee whiz, Satan knew what he was doing when he started his plan. He knew this was going to take a while to fester, and that the weight would not come off that easy, so I might just give up, with his help of course. Well, let's put it this way. I'm not giving up now. I want to kick the crap out of the fat. I want to punish it for trying to harm me emotionally, physically, and spiritually. 

As I have started to lose this weight, my mind is starting to realize why this happened. I've realized all the harm it's done to me. All the personality I just let die in the process. I just closed myself in and never really figured out who I am and what I could be. So Jillian Thank You. You made a great point. Everyone needs to know the how because if you don't know the how, you'll never know the why. The why I need to do this. Why I need to change. Why I am worth it. Why.

So fat. Adios. You no longer can stay. It's go time. So here I am. Here is my WHY. Here is MY reason for never giving up on this. 

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