Lost and Found.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Oye! What a day I had today! Just as I began to get my head above water and breathe again at work, I was struck by the wave of naïvety and sent into massive whirlpool of frustration and anger. I was so naive! I thought, "it's over, the crazy busy schedule at work. I made it through! I'm so proud of me!" I just started to get everything under control. And then it happened. The deadlines all started lining up. Around the SAME DAYS! All of the work I thought I could manage in the next few weeks became next weeks work. Oh and not just due next week sometime, but the beginning of next week. There it went. All of my emotions went haywire. I felt I needed to curl up in the fetal position under my desk and start crying while chanting "I won't do it. You can't make me. I quit. I quit! I QUIT!"

Oh I had to get out of there. I needed to breathe. So after finalizing everything that I could for the day I left. Just leaving I felt like the weight of the world was lifted off, but I still had a chip on my shoulder I just didn't know it yet. I ran a few errands and picked up my groceries to make good healthy food from my new cookbook my trainer provided me with. Tonight's dinner was super fantastic! I made Grilled chicken on a bed of Wild Cranberry Rice with Steamed Asparagus! Oh and it was as heavenly as it sounds. I haven't even spilled the beans on the best part yet! It was only 450 calories! I know! Brilliant!

So everything was fine. So I thought at least. As I sat down to eat my wonderful diner and I began to watch the latest episode of LOST. Being so near to the end of its final season I am captivated by it's amazing-ness. I have clung to every moment of this show like I need it to survive. And as my roommate and I are watching the episode, the mysterious digital cable (Free I might add) went fuzzy and stopped. Now if this was a commercial it would have been no big deal. If it had been a just the picture and not the dialogue I wouldn't have cared. But we lost it all! And right as Charles Widmore was about to explain a major question...The last thing we heard him say was We need Desmond because...and then it went blank. No picture. No Sound. It stopped. I yelled. And we quickly adjusted the antenna and got the picture and sound back right as Charles said, "and that's why we need him." I couldn't believe it. Everything we needed to know was blocked out perfectly. It was just like in a movie. We missed an important fact and I lost it. I started calling all my friends who watch lost looking for the answer. I just knew this was going to haunt me. I needed to know what happened. I felt the rest of the episode wouldn't make sense if I didn't know what was said. I spent the rest of the episode in a panic. No one answered their phones and I was losing patience again. Everything emotionally from the crappy day I had just had at work was spilling back into my life at speeds I didn't know it could reach. I felt out of control and I needed to get out.

After the show was over I went to the gym. But not before I almost went crazy a second time, after I filled a water bottle and lost it in about a thirty second time frame, which then took a good five to ten minutes to find. Once I found it. I started driving to the gym. I talked with my best friend and learned the answer to my LOST moment and I started to feel a bit relieved. But the frustration and anger from work was still lingering overhead. So I took it out on the machines. I kicked the Arc Trainer's butt for a good 15 minutes, while it proceeded to kick mine back. I left probably the biggest puddle of sweat ever under that machine. I then switched to the elliptical for 35 minutes and kicked it's sorry bumper too. All while listening to Toby Mac Radio on Pandora.

While running my last stretch, God opened up a can and showed me something. The song Offering by Third Day came on. I mostly didn't pay attention at first but suddenly I HEARD the chorus:

This is my offering, dear Lord
This is my offering to You, God
And I will give You my life
For it’s all I have to give
Because You gave Your life for me

God grabbed my heart right there on the elliptical machine. I never thought that could happen. But God reached out and said, "You know, you've been so wrapped up in the things of this life that don't really matter. You've given just about all you have to them. You are captivated by TV Shows that in the great scheme of things do not matter. You are flustered with your job, which affects your attitude. Your life should be offered to me first and foremost. I feel like you are forgetting me. Please don't forget me. I want you to want me. I don't NEED you to want me, but I WANT you to WANT me."

So all the crazy of the day came down to this. I want to offer up my life to God. It is no where near perfect. I am a human wrapped up in sin. I willing though to offer myself up to God. Because really, it's all I have to give. And he may not need me, but I certainly NEED HIM! So thank you God! I never would have thought I workout could be so good for me. I feel relieved from the things that have weighed heavy on my life. I feel FOUND. 

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