Lost and Found.

Oye! What a day I had today! Just as I began to get my head above water and breathe again at work, I was struck by the wave of naïvety and sent into massive whirlpool of frustration and anger. I was so naive! I thought, "it's over, the crazy busy schedule at work. I made it through! I'm so proud of me!" I just started to get everything under control. And then it happened. The deadlines all started lining up. Around the SAME DAYS! All of the work I thought I could manage in the next few weeks became next weeks work. Oh and not just due next week sometime, but the beginning of next week. There it went. All of my emotions went haywire. I felt I needed to curl up in the fetal position under my desk and start crying while chanting "I won't do it. You can't make me. I quit. I quit! I QUIT!"

Oh I had to get out of there. I needed to breathe. So after finalizing everything that I could for the day I left. Just leaving I felt like the weight of the world was lifted off, but I still had a chip on my shoulder I just didn't know it yet. I ran a few errands and picked up my groceries to make good healthy food from my new cookbook my trainer provided me with. Tonight's dinner was super fantastic! I made Grilled chicken on a bed of Wild Cranberry Rice with Steamed Asparagus! Oh and it was as heavenly as it sounds. I haven't even spilled the beans on the best part yet! It was only 450 calories! I know! Brilliant!

So everything was fine. So I thought at least. As I sat down to eat my wonderful diner and I began to watch the latest episode of LOST. Being so near to the end of its final season I am captivated by it's amazing-ness. I have clung to every moment of this show like I need it to survive. And as my roommate and I are watching the episode, the mysterious digital cable (Free I might add) went fuzzy and stopped. Now if this was a commercial it would have been no big deal. If it had been a just the picture and not the dialogue I wouldn't have cared. But we lost it all! And right as Charles Widmore was about to explain a major question...The last thing we heard him say was We need Desmond because...and then it went blank. No picture. No Sound. It stopped. I yelled. And we quickly adjusted the antenna and got the picture and sound back right as Charles said, "and that's why we need him." I couldn't believe it. Everything we needed to know was blocked out perfectly. It was just like in a movie. We missed an important fact and I lost it. I started calling all my friends who watch lost looking for the answer. I just knew this was going to haunt me. I needed to know what happened. I felt the rest of the episode wouldn't make sense if I didn't know what was said. I spent the rest of the episode in a panic. No one answered their phones and I was losing patience again. Everything emotionally from the crappy day I had just had at work was spilling back into my life at speeds I didn't know it could reach. I felt out of control and I needed to get out.

After the show was over I went to the gym. But not before I almost went crazy a second time, after I filled a water bottle and lost it in about a thirty second time frame, which then took a good five to ten minutes to find. Once I found it. I started driving to the gym. I talked with my best friend and learned the answer to my LOST moment and I started to feel a bit relieved. But the frustration and anger from work was still lingering overhead. So I took it out on the machines. I kicked the Arc Trainer's butt for a good 15 minutes, while it proceeded to kick mine back. I left probably the biggest puddle of sweat ever under that machine. I then switched to the elliptical for 35 minutes and kicked it's sorry bumper too. All while listening to Toby Mac Radio on Pandora.

While running my last stretch, God opened up a can and showed me something. The song Offering by Third Day came on. I mostly didn't pay attention at first but suddenly I HEARD the chorus:


This is my offering, dear Lord
This is my offering to You, God
And I will give You my life
For it’s all I have to give
Because You gave Your life for me

God grabbed my heart right there on the elliptical machine. I never thought that could happen. But God reached out and said, "You know, you've been so wrapped up in the things of this life that don't really matter. You've given just about all you have to them. You are captivated by TV Shows that in the great scheme of things do not matter. You are flustered with your job, which affects your attitude. Your life should be offered to me first and foremost. I feel like you are forgetting me. Please don't forget me. I want you to want me. I don't NEED you to want me, but I WANT you to WANT me."

So all the crazy of the day came down to this. I want to offer up my life to God. It is no where near perfect. I am a human wrapped up in sin. I willing though to offer myself up to God. Because really, it's all I have to give. And he may not need me, but I certainly NEED HIM! So thank you God! I never would have thought I workout could be so good for me. I feel relieved from the things that have weighed heavy on my life. I feel FOUND. 

Gelatinous.

So a few weeks ago I was doing jumping jacks in at the gym with my trainer. Looking in the mirror. Yep. I got to watch myself and with every jump my shirt kept flinging itself upward. Like playing a game of peek-a-boo, my bare and gelatinous stomach then made its appearance. Every other second. It was mortifying when you really think about it. The whole gym could see. I know this is going to take a ton of work, but I am done with this fat surrounding my skinny self. I love when I see the results of my work especially over the last few weeks, but that was not a fun moment for me. It's really motivating though because I realized how much I don't want to be like this anymore. I am sick of feeling lousy about myself and thinking that nothing is ever going to change. So last week I did the eliptical for 45 minutes one night and then 40 minutes the next night...it was a great feeling. 600 calories burned baby (each time)! Whoot Whoot! And now my trainer and I have started working out again. (post bringing babies into the world) We are now working out of his home gym. Today was the first of many workouts to come. I am ready to really start this up again. I am ready to become the skinny self I know I am underneath. 

Tired of my fat self...

 This new journey for my life began with a pre-new years resolution (I say pre cuz I'm not the biggest fan of new years resolutions--no one ever follows them and they are easy to give up on). In December I joined the local 24 Hour Fitness. After watching an the finale of the Biggest Loser Season 8, I decided if these prior fat people can lose tons of weight in 12 weeks time then I can definately lose the 60 lbs I need to by next December. Deciding first of all that this is worth it to me I made the move to join a gym since I needed to be more than emotionally invested in this. It needed to be tied to my finances as well.


So I joined the gym. I went ahead and sprung for the slightly extra cost, well the major cost of having a trainer teach me the ways of weight loss. My trainer, D'mitri, got me started with kicking butt and taking names really quick. He took my sorry out of shape self and started me out on a workout that is slowly but surely whipping my fat self in to my much desired skinny self (coming soon to a town near you--smile*).  In a very short time, Jan. 30th to March 6th, I lost over 30 lbs of fat, and gained 20 lbs of lean mass or muscle and I've lost a good 3 inches off my waist since December. The scale unfortunately is deceiving as I have only lost 10 lbs technically. 


Things are well on their way! But that doesn't mean that it's not going to be harder than anything I've every imagined, cuz lets face it losing weight is one of the biggest challenges I will ever attempt. Especially considering my true love of sweet foods. Mmmmm. But that ship has sailed. I have decided that I want this more than anything. Someone once told me That Nothing will ever taste as good as thin feels, and well I believe that now. 


But with three months of my new regimen I have started to become stagnate. I've become tired with the idea of working out and losing this weight. I've lost that spark. You know, the initial excitement of something new, something you know is going to help you. I've become very bored with the idea and I'm terribly afraid of what that could mean. I mean I've lost weight before. About the time I start seeing results I become satisfied and instead of continuing I feel good enough. Well obviously the results I recently received were super amazing, so over the past month I've not pushing myself the way I had been. And to be honest. I can tell. And not that this is any excuse, but my trainer and his wife had twins, so he's been very busy. But I've decided this is Satan's hold on me. He's always tired to make me feel sorry for myself by making me feel that I am not worth anything. I am worth something and I know that being skinny will never make me good enough, because I am only good enough because God made me good enough when he died for me on the cross. I just believe that by losing this weight I will be able to suppress Satan's attempts to haunt me about my size and focus more on what really matters. Me loving Christ with all that I can. So my trainer and I have started working out again tonight. This blog is my new tool for keeping myself accountable. I am going to reach my goals. I am sick and tired of looking back and thinking if I had just keep with working out last year, I wonder what I would look like now. So next year. I want to look back and say, I'm so proud of me. I am so proud of who I have become. I love me and I love my God. How great would that be?